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Clean Fun


• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

• "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

• "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

• "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

• "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

• "I souport publik edekasion"

• "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

• "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

• Black holes are where God divided by zero.

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

• I love animals, they taste great.

• EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest!

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

• Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

• Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

• Life is too complicated in the morning.

• All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

• The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

• Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

• My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.

• Ask me about my vow of silence.

• "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

• "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

• "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

• "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

• "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

• "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

• "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

• "No Radio - Already Stolen"

• "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "

• "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

• "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

• "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

• "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

• "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

• "2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

• "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

• All generalizations are false, including this one.

• "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

• We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

• What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

• All men are idiots....I married their king.

• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

• Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

• Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

• Does your train of thought have a caboose?

• Is it time for your medication or mine?

• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

• How do I set the laser printer to stun?

• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

• Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

• And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

• Where there's a will...I want to be on it.

• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

• Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.

• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

• Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

• Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

• Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

• Adults are just kids who owe money.

• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

• You! Off my planet!

• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

• I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?