• "I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays."
~ Henry Youngman
• "She looked like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else."
~ Elsa Lancaster
• "Censor: a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to."
~ Laurence Peter
• "Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you but never to anyone else."
~ Lyndon B Johnson
• "What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."
~ Richard Harkness
• "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
~ Sharon Stone
• "I've posed in the nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker but I merely looked constipated."
~ George Bernard Shaw
• "God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question."
• "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
~ Robin Williams
• "Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of reason with unreason."
~ Jack Kroll
• "She was known as the virgin queen... she was always on the verge."
~ Gerald F Lieberman
• "She's what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand."
~ Saul Bellow
• "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."
~ Spike Milligan
• "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
• "I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
~ Winston Churchill
• "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."
~ Brendan Francis
• "The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouths they've been in."
~ Dennis Potter
• "The closest I ever came to a ménage a trois was when I dated a schizophrenic."
~ Rita Rudner
•"Someone has tabulated that we have 35 million laws on the books to enforce the Ten Commandments."
~ Bert Masterson
• "When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
~ Steven Wright
• "I tried phone sex and it gave me an ear infection."
~ Richard Lewis
• "Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."
~ Aaron Levenstein
• "I cannot smell mothballs because it's so difficult to get their little legs apart."
~ Steve Martin
• "Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."
~ Dorothy Parker
• "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer."
~ Bruce Graham
• "Bigamy is two rites that make a wrong."
~ Jacob M Braude
• "Have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?"
~ Billy Connolly
• "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
~ Groucho Marx
• "One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
~ Steven Wright
• "Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?"
~ Tom Stoppard
• "In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms."
~ Bruce Lansky
• "You know it is summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer."
~ Hal Roach
• "I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle."
~ Dan Whitney
• "The harpsichord sounds like two skeletons copulating on a corrugated iron roof - in a thunderstorm."
~ Sir Thomas Beecham
•"To the Bank of Scotland I bequeath my testicles, because it has no balls."
~ Lord Erskine
• "My favourite drink is a cocktail of carrot juice and whisky. I am always drunk but I can see for miles."
~ Roy Brown
• "You've got the philosophy of a dog - if you can't fuck it or eat it, then piss on it."
~ John Jenkins
• "If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder."
~ Victoria Woods
• "I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies."
~ Woody Allen
• "Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book."
~ Rowan Atkinson
• "For a long time, I thought coq au vin meant love in a lorry."
~ Victoria Wood
• "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
~ Ellen DeGeneres
• "All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others."
~ Henry Youngman
• "Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on."
• "Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired."
~ Walter Walker
• "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
~ George Burns