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Clean Fun

George Carlin

• How come wrong numbers are never busy?

• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

• Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

• Does killing time damage eternity?

• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

• Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

• Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

• Daylight savings time.  Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

• Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?

• Do pilots take crash-courses?

• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

• How can there be self-help "groups"?

• How do you get off a non-stop flight?

• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

• How many weeks are there in a light year?

• If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

• If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

• Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

• Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

• How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?