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Clean Fun

Funny and Silly Q & A - page 2

Did you hear about the bandit that held up a Chinese restaurant?
               Half an hour later he was broke.

              Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
               He got a little behind in his work.

              Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
               He was buttering up his teacher.

              Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
               They fight tooth and nail!

              Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
               He doesn't believe in dogs.

              Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
               He was walking around everywhere saying, "Yo!"

              Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
               He sold his soul to Santa.

              Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
               He decided to stick it out for one more year!

              Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
               He's all right now.

              Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door?
               He strained himself.

              Did you hear about the lady who backed into a spinning airplane propeller?

              Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
               He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

              Did you hear about the new restaurant that opened in India?
               It's a New Delhicatessen.

              Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
               She had her baby in the spring.

              Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
               The survivors were marooned.

              Did you hear about the two men who walked into a bar?
               The third one ducked.

              Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race?
               It ended up in a tie.

              Have you seen Quasimodo?
               I have a hunch he's back!

              How can you recognize a burned-put hippie?
               He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

              How can you tell if a planet is married?
               It has a ring around it.

              How do crazy people go through the forest?
               They take the psycho path.

              How do they put out fires at the post office?
               They stamp them out.

              How do you circumcise a whale?
               Send down fore-skin divers.

              How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
               With sky scrapers.

              How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
               Use the rear defrogger.

              How do you get holy water?
               Boil the hell out of it.

              How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
               Put lox on it!

              How do you revive a drowning rodent?
               Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

              How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
               She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

              How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
               From a catalog.

              How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
               Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem!

              How many letters are in the alphabet?
               Nineteen. Because ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

              How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
               None. We'll just declare darkness the new standard.

              How would you clean a tuba?
               Try a tuba toothpaste.

              How you get down from an elephant?
               You don't, you get down from ducks.

              If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

              What city has the largest rodent population?

              What day does a fish hate?
               Fry day.

               What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
               "Well done. "

               What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
               "I am ewe. "

               What did one hot dog say to another?
               "Hi, Frank!"

               What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
               "I find you very attractive."

              What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
               Nothing, they just waved.

              What did one rabbit say to the other rabbit?
               Nothing. Rabbits can't talk.

               What did one wall say to the other wall?
               "Meet you at the corner."

               What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?
               "You're too young to be smoking."

              What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
               He had two waiters and a busboy.

               What did the elephant say to the naked man?
               "How can you breathe through that?"

               What did the elephant say to the naked man?
               "It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

               What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

               What did the painter say to the wall?
               "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

              What did the robot have to do before she wore any earrings?
               She had to get her gears pierced.

               What did the worm say to the caterpillar?
               "What did you do to get that fur coat?"

              What do cats like on a hot day?
               A mice cream cone.

              What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
               Mice Krispies.

              What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

              What do fish play on the piano?

              What do pigs write letters with?
               Pig pens.

              What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle?

              What do prisoners use to call each other?
               Cell phones.

              What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
               Fish and ships.

              What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

              What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
               National Dyslexics Association.

              What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
               A stick.

              What do you call a bunch of dancing pebbles?
               The Rockettes.

              What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
               A lawn moo-er.

              What do you call a crazy baker?
               A dough nut.

              What do you call a day that follows two days of rain?

              What do you call a dog with no legs?
               It doesn't matter what you call him he ain't gonna come.

              What do you call a drunk who works in an upholstery shop?
               A recovering alcoholic.

              What do you call a dumb balloon?
               An air head.

              What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
               Chicken of the sea.

              What do you call a guy who’s born in Columbus,
grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

              What do you call a monster with no neck?
               The Lost Neck Monster.

              What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
               A roaming Catholic.

              What do you call a pig's curly tail?
               A porkscrew.

              What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
               Bugs Bunny.

              What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
               A hoarse doctor.

              What do you call an artificial stone?
               A shamrock.

              What do you call bedtime stories for boats?
               Ferry tales.

              What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
               Nacho cheese.

              What do you call Eskimo cows?

              What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
               Quatro sinko.

              What do you call it when worms take over the world?
               Global Worming.

              What do you call Santa's helpers?
               Subordinate Clauses.

              What do you call the person who mows the grass of a baseball field?
               A diamond cutter.

              What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
               A receding hareline.

              What do you get from a pampered cow?
               Spoiled milk.

              What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower?
               Shredded tweet.

              What do you get when you cross a doorbell and a bumble bee?
               A real humdinger!

              What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
               A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off.

              What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

              What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
               An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.

              What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
               A pachydermatologist.

              What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole?
               Hot cross bunnies.

              What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
               Milk and quackers.

              What do you get when you play a country music song backward?
               You get your wife back, you get your job back, you stop drinking ...

              What do you use to redecorate a baby's bathroom?

              What does a bee use to brush its hair?
               A honeycomb.

              What does a dog get when it finishes obedience school?
               A pet degree.

              What does an envelope say when you lick it?
               Nothing, it just shuts up.

              What does it mean when the flag's at half mast at the post office?
               They're hiring.

              What does Michael Jackson call his "Tickle-me Elmo" doll?

              What does the sun drink out of?

              What goes "99 thump 99 thump 99 thump...?"
               A centipede with a wooden leg.

              What goes "klip klop, klip klop, klip klop, . . . BANG!!"?
               An Amish drive-by shooting.

              What goes "moof"?
               A cow with buck teeth.

              What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"?
               A watch dog.

              What goes black and white, black and white, black and white, boom?
               A nun falling down the stairs.

              What goes faster than a rabbit in a field?
               A rabbit in a blender.

              What happens to illegally parked frogs?
               They get toad away.

              What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
               The actors get stage fright.

              What has four legs, is big, green, furry,
and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
               A pool table.

              What has more lives than a cat?
               A frog. It croaks every night.

              What insect does well in school?
               A spelling bee.

              What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
               A celebrity roast.

               What is a whale's favorite story?
               "The Humpback of Notre Dame."

              What is a zebra?
               26 sizes larger than "A" bra.

              What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?

              What is the biggest ant?
               An elephant.

              What is the last thing a "Tickle Me Elmo" doll gets at the factory?
               Two test tickles.

              What is the loudest sport?
               Tennis, because everyone raises a racquet.

              What is three feet long?
               A yard.

              What kind of bird can write?
               A penguin.

              What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
               and what kind of lettuce?

              What kind of dog floats in the air?
               An Airedale.
               What do you get if an Airedale floats too close to the sun?
               A hot dog.

              What kind of flowers grow in outer space?

              What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
               Sheet music.

              What kind of necktie does a pig wear?
               A pigsty.

              What kind of shoes do lazy people wear?

              What kind of shoes do snakes wear for swimming?
               Water mocassins.

              What kind of tree has hands?
               A palm tree.

              What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
               A nervous wreck.

              What magazine do cats like to read?
               Good Mousekeeping.

              What makes a bowling alley so quiet?
               You can hear a pin drop.

              What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
               Time to get the clock fixed.

              What type of fish play poker?
               Card sharks.

              What would you get if you crossed a potato and a frog?
               A potatoad.

              What would you get if you put a light bulb in a suit of armor?
               A knightlight.

              What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment?
               The flue.

              What's green and red and goes 1000 miles an hour?
               A frog in a blender.

              What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
               It's raining cats and dogs.

              What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
               The taste.

              What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
               Kids won't eat broccoli.

              What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
               I don't know and I don't care.

              What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
               Anyone can roast beef.

              What's the saddest part of the day?

              When do you need to oil a mouse?
               When it squeaks.

              Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
               The Salad Bar.

              Where do otters come from?
               Otter space.

              Where do polar bears vote?
               The North Poll.

              Where do you find a no legged dog?
               Right where you left him.

              Where do you get virgin wool from?
               Ugly sheep.

              Where do young dogs sleep when they camp out?
               In pup tents.

              Where does a bird go when it loses its tail?
               The retail store.

              Where does a one-armed man shop?
               At a second hand store.

              Where does satisfaction come from?
               A satisfactory.

              Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
               Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

              Which day of the week is the best for a dental appointment?

              Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster,
or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
               The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

              Which side of a dog has the most hair?
               The out side.

              Who can jump higher than a tall building?
               Anyone can. A building can't jump.

              Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn't available?
               The mid woof.

              Why are cowboy hats turned up at the sides?
               So three cowboys can ride in a pickup truck.

              Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
               They all have phones.

              Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
               Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

              Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?
               She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.

              Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich?
               Because the poor had no money.

              Why did the bald man put a bunny on his head?
               He wanted a full head of hare.

              Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't?
               Because he was a little more on.

              Why did the bunnies go on strike?
               They wanted a raise in celery.

              Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria?
               He heard children were half price.

              Why did the chicken cross the playground?
               To get to the other slide.

              Why did the chicken cross the road?
               To prove to the opossum it could be done.

              Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
               Because there were no chickens in those times.

              Why did the garbage look sad?
               Because it was down in the dumps.

              Why did the golfer carry an extra pair of pants in his bag?
               In case he got a hole in one.

              Why did the hubcap fall asleep?
               Because it was tired.

              Why did the Indian wear a wig?
               To keep his wigwam.

              Why did the man put wheels on his rocking chair?
               He wanted to rock and roll.

              Why did the pig cross the road?
               Because he was a road hog.

              Why did the turtle cross the road?
               To get to the Shell station!

              Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
               To see if she was his type.

              Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car?
               He was playing on the road again.

              Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
               They're trying to get away from the noise.

              Why do bicycles fall over?
               Because they are two-tired.

              Why do birds fly south for the winter?
               Because it's too far to walk.

              Why do birds fly south for the winter?
               It's quicker than driving.

              Why do cows wear bells?
               Because their horns don't work.

              Why do elephants trumpet?
               They don't know how to play the violin.

              Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
               Because they have big fingers.

              Why do Jewish husbands die before their wives?
               Because they want to.

              Why does a turtle live in a shell?
               Because it can't afford an apartment.

              Why don't fish play tennis?
               They might get caught in the net.

              Why was six afraid of seven?
               Because seven eight nine!

              Why were there screams coming from the kitchen ?
               The cook was beating the eggs.