• Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
• My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
• Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had? They're no longer on a first-name basis.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• If you take a shower in the morning be sure to bring it back, someone else might need it!!
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.
• You know you are over-the-hill when you're just too tired to climb one!
• Why is stuff sent on ships called "cargo" and UPS sends "shipments?"
• Never criticize your wife's faults. It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.
• For Sale: One computer slightly used. One bullet hole in screen.
• If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, does that mean I killed somebody?
• What's the speed of dark?
• Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
• It's a small world -- unless you gotta walk home.
• Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
• I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.
• At age 66 I'm bisexual. I said bye to sex.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.
• "It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall."
• Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why isn't it #1?
• The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the roof?"
• With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
• Help Wanted - Psychic - you know where to apply.
• Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically-challenged.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• The 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
• You can't have everything - where would you put it?
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use one.
• When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.
• I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.