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Clean Fun

Spike Milligan

• I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

• Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

• His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.

• My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

• I speak Esparanto like a native.

• A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

• I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

• It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

• I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it .

• How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

• Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

• All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

• Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

• Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

• Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

• Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

• Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.

• What would you rather have: a boring truth, or an exciting lie?

• A neat desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

• Copulation equals Population equals Pollution.

• After five days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

• Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

• The cliché is the handrail of the crippled mind.

• A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind.
One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

• We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

• A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

• He had a mobile face, that is, he always took it with him.

• Lord Barrington himself was a devout Catholic and a practising homosexual; as he frequently said, "practice makes perfect".

• A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

• A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least to the end of the blackboard.

• Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.

• You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

• All men are cremated equal.

• Bureaucracy was the counterpart of cancer, it grew bigger and destroyed everything except itself

• We were making love in the back of a truck  and we got carried away.

• Clifford had a sister, but she had departed, that is, she caught the ten-twenty from Victoria.

• His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.

• Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse.

• Horizontal, this was Lady Chatterley's position in society.

• Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

• I'm a hero with coward's legs.

• And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.