In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Rehab is for quitters.
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
Her best friend once sent her a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said: "Wish you were here."
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
If the speed of light is 600,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.