I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic
￼A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
￼Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.
All men are cremated equal.
We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
Horizontal, this was Lady Chatterley's position in society.
￼Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
I speak Esparanto like a native.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it .
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
What would you rather have: a boring truth, or an exciting lie?
A neat desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Copulation equals Population equals Pollution.
After five days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
The cliché is the handrail of the crippled mind.
A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind.
One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
He had a mobile face, that is, he always took it with him.