Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world.
You can quote me, but I'll tell everyone that you're lying.
A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.
Today's payslip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job.
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60.
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.