I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
It's not hard to tell we was poor, when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
All I'm saying is that you're deluded, pathetic, and squirrels use your head to store chestnuts for the cold winter months in.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
If you'd been where I'd been, if you'd seen the things I'd seen!, you,you'd be me. Or someone following me around.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb, and I also know that I'm not blonde.
We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.
A wonderful rant on the fundamental importance of having both a sense of humor and the ability to shout back.
I'd just like to say that of all the people I've ever known, you are one of them.
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
ou can at least teach a dingo to fetch. The problem is, it can take years to teach it the difference between a baby and a stick.
It's true, no man is an island, but if you take a bunch of dead guys and tie 'em together, they make a pretty good raft.
Main cause of death for hummingbirds: Crashing ass-first into trees.
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.